Dear Apelord,

Im thinking of starting a religion, but Im not sure where to begin. How did you get started?

R. Stan Bragg

Apelord Responds:

Stan, my child, I feel I must chastise you for your naive and rather comical assumption. I am not a religious figure! If I have some small pretension to prophecy, that does not mean that I possess any attributes that would elevate me to some god-like status. No! I seek not the adulation of followers, nor the power attendant to such a position. I am merely Apelord, your humble servant.

Nevertheless, Stan, I may be able to provide you with some advice however insignificant that will help you to achieve your ambitious goal.

Starting a religion, I am led to understand, is a relatively simple matter. All that is necessary is for you to create or discover something around which followers can erect a belief system. While the choice is up to you, my psychic intuition tells me you should begin with something involving ancient crustacean civilizations living under the surface of the moon. Just a suggestion.

Once you have founded your religion (or, if you prefer, pseudoscience it depends on your choice of topics), the difficulty of maintaining it arises. In the long history of this and other universes, there have been numerous techniques for sustaining a religion beyond its infancy. While you may choose the pacifist, open spirituality option, I sense from your energy field that you will probably prefer the high-pressure, semi-despotic leadership option. The choice is yours, of course.

I sincerely hope this information has been of service to you. I look forward to hearing the whole cosmology of the Ancient Crab Lords of the Moon. A word of advice: Do not hoard your scriptures, for if you try to keep them secret, they will turn up on the Internet faster than you can say, "Crab-dammit!"

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