Apelord's Prime Directive

Apelord cares very deeply about his followers. So much so that he has issued a personal guarantee to any and all who seek help in his missives and patented, copyrighted techniques.

Apelord's Prime Directive -- his personal assurance of quality -- is that you will benefit from his techniques or else he will send you, free of charge, a personalized letter of apology.

To receive your personalized, laser-printed letter of apology, please enclose a self-addressed, stamped envelope with your letter of complaint. Since Apelord does not receive any financial renumeration from sales of Apelomatics, a small donation accompanying your letter of complaint is encouraged.

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Endorsements do not guarantee efficacy of techniques. Apelord offers no warrantee, explicit or implied, for the contents of Apelomatics. Readers use such techniques at their own risk. Apelord assumes no responsibility for any injuries, mental trauma, or property damage resulting from the use of Apelomatics techniques. No refunds. No CODs. The Surgeon General of the United States has determined that Apelomatics is hazardous to the health of pregnant women, children, and males and females between the ages of 1 and 97. Any similarity to any person, place, or thing is entirely coincidental.