Dear Apelord,

I channel a 2500 year-old warrior from Lemuria, and lately hes been giving me problems. We charge $125.00 a head for our appearances, and everything was going fine until he started telling audiences to buy greyhounds and invest in dog racing. Im looking to you, Apelord, for a second psychic opinion. Can you help?

Jason Squires

Apelord Responds:

Ah, Prangor the Fraudulent, is that you? It has been a very long time indeed, my old friend!

Mr. Squires, in my millennia of spiritual travel, I have encountered Prangor on occasions beyond counting. Indeed, I have developed a sensitivity to his energy field, such that I often feel his presence on a world long before he reveals himself through some inadvertent utterance. So, my child, I fear I know your "2500 year-old warrior" far better than even you.

If I may address Prangor directly, Mr. Squires, be assured that I can ameliorate your dilemma.

Prangor, you duplicitous old spore! When will you ever learn? Greyhounds? Dog racing? Did you not once already sully your reputation with your admonitions for followers to buy race horses, boron camels, and even lightning snails? I fear you will never become the enlightened soul you pretend to be unless you agree to surrender your love nay, obsession! with animals of sport. I strongly suggest that you negotiate with Mr. Squires so as to set practical limits on your rather unenlightened desires.

And finally, to Mr. Squires: Unless Prangor has grown in wisdom a thousand-fold since his last channeling employment, $125.00 is rather expensive for such tired and tarnished pearls of wisdom as "Know yourself," and "Truth is in the eye of the beholder." I, Apelord, humbly suggest that you either lower your prices or obtain some new material. (Please note that Apelords missives are protected by international copyright legislation.)

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