|I. Special Note
When reading this document, make very sure that you never snort in a derisive manner. The only reason a person gets frustrated or confused when reading self-help philosophy is that he or she has stifled a laugh, resulting in a porcine-like honk of amusement, possibly involving the spraying of soft drinks from one's nostrils.
Have you ever had the experience of reading to the end of a page of a self-help book and noticing that you don't remember what you have read? Somewhere on that page there is a drop of carbonated beverage resulting from a repressed bray of laughter.
For example, say you stumble across this earnest passage: "Madonna is the greatest actress of all time." Now, when you have finished wiping your monitor clean, you can understand how vitally important it is to refrain from such snorts of derision.
The discovery of this natural law is the single
greatest achievement in the field of literacy and education. As you
read this document, do not withhold incredulous laughter! If you do,
go back and read the passage until you can do it without engaging your
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III. General Questions about Apelomatics: The Modern Pseudoscience of Mental Dentistry
a) What is 'Mental Dentistry'?
Simply put, it is the greatest discovery of all time, vastly superior to the discovery of gravity, the theory of relativity, and marginally surpassing velcro.
The human mind is very much like the human mouth: it is damp and slimy and needs professional attention once a year. Apelord's greatest discovery was that the psyche, if not treated properly, develops defects exactly like what you find in teeth. If you have led an unhappy childhood, you will develop cavities in the enamel of your emotional bicuspids. A traumatic experience with romance may cause the gums of your self-esteem to recede, allowing dangerous levels of spiritual plaque to accumulate around the roots of your ego. Prolonged unemployment leads to impacted wisdom teeth of hope, and so on.
Apelomatics is a collection of thoroughly-researched, scientifically-validated techniques for filling in the cavities of your psyche, pulling the rotten molars of depression, and putting crowns on chipped incisors of self-doubt.
b) How can I receive Apelomatic treatment?
There are two standard ways to liberate yourself through Apelomatic techniques: Self-Apelomatic Dismembranation and Professional Apelodontic Accounting.
Self-Apelomatic Dismembranation, as the name suggests, is a technique you can do by yourself. Simply purchase seven copies of Apelomatics and fill out the handy Self-Apelomatic Dismembranation Certification form (be sure to enclose proofs of purchase and a certified cheque or money order). Within weeks you will receive your Certificate of Self-Apelomatic Dismembranation, as well as years of helpful pamphlets and special advertising supplements. Then, following Apelord's simple yet elegant techniques, you will be able to start probing the molars of your subconscious.
Professional Apelodontic Accounting is for people who need treatment right away or who have achieved a level of Self-Apelomatic mental dental hygiene that requires more professional attention. Simply visit any of the millions of Apelodontic Accountanting Offices spread all over the globe. From there on, certified Professional Apelodontic Accountants and Associate Apelodontists will treat all of your mental dental problems.
c) Is Apelodontic treatment expensive?
No! In fact, compared to the national defense budgets of the Reagan administration, Apelodontic treatment is practically free! We accept all major credit cards.
d) Where is the nearest Apelodontic Accounting Office?
To find the closest office to you, simply send $50.00 (U.S. funds only)
and a S.A.S.E. to Apelomatics Global Locator, P.O. Box 540, Elkwood, New
Brunswick, Canada, C20 2E1.
IV. Benefits of Apelomatics
a) Can Apelomatics improve my health?
Without exception. Apelord personally guarantees that you will feel better within minutes of your first session. If for whatever reason your health fails to improve, Apelord will send you a beautiful, personally laser-printed apology (please send a S.A.S.E. with your medical records). This is Apelord's Prime Directive.
b) Will these techniques help me in school?
Yes. Apelord himself has dozens of degrees, some from semi-accredited schools. Using the patented, copyrighted ApeliteracyTM program, Apelomatics students will surpass their colleagues in every respect. You will speak foreign languages in a matter of minutes, do complicated mathematical formulae in your head, and learn how to program your VCR and your microwave oven. All this in only two weeks, and for less than 7/8 the cost of an Ivy League medical school education! Best of all, Apelord's Prime Directive applies to ApeliteracyTM as well.
c) Why should I start Apelomatics? I've got a good career, a satisfying and stable family life, I help out with a number of charities, and I'm very happy with my current situation.
Apelomatics can help with that.
d) Okay, what if someone--hypothetically--is perfect in every way. Why should someone like that use Apelomatics?
We know what you're trying to do, here. You're trying to keep people from receiving the help you need, aren't you? The people who ask questions like that are trying to hold the world back from its salvation, keep schoolyards full of pushers and prostitutes, and crooked politicians. It's all part of a worldwide consipiracy of podiatrists. You know, Richard Nixon once asked a question very much like that. Is that the kind of people you want to associate with? You want to destroy the only thing standing in the way of armageddon. You disgust me.
Endorsements do not guarantee efficacy of techniques. Apelord offers no warrantee, explicit or implied, for the contents of Apelomatics. Readers use such techniques at their own risk. Apelord assumes no responsibility for any injuries, mental trauma, or property damage resulting from the use of Apelomatics techniques. No refunds. No CODs. The Surgeon General of the United States has determined that Apelomatics is hazardous to the health of pregnant women, children, and males and females between the ages of 1 and 97. Any similarity to any person, place, or thing is entirely coincidental.