Behold the triumphant return of Apelord!

Compliant with no W3C standards!

Leave compliance to the Compliantologists. -- Apelord

Apelord looks down benevolently upon the world he loves

Despite my protestations, lost souls continue to ask me for advice on starting their own religion. I am wary of providing such advice, naturally, because I haven't quite figured out how to patent religion yet.

But what if you are seeking a new faith, and come to Apelord for his enlightened opinion? Well, naturally, I recommend that you explore Apelomatics. It has answers to questions you've never even asked. Think about that for a second.

If Apelomatics is not for you, Apelord strongly encourages you to delve into Ebriusology: The Modern Science of Mental Masturbation. It is a proven, workable religious technology that can help you with all of your pissy little hangups. Explore. Absorb. And, most of all, enjoy the toast.

See previous recommendations from Apelord.

The Ask Apelord Archives

Dear Apelord,

Are crop circles created by aliens? What is your opinion on the movie "Signs"?

Carl Blandford

Dearest Carl,

If you will allow me the quaint affectation of answering your second query first, I must reluctantly admit that I have not viewed the movie of which you speak. I do, naturally, have intimate psychic knowledge of the film, but I have not experienced a communal screening. That said, I laud the film's attempt to accurately portray the senstive diplomatic tensions between humans, aliens, and ungulates.

Your first question, however, demands a serious and thoughtful answer. There are many theories regarding crop circles. Some people, as you suggest, are firmly convinced that crop circles are created by extra-terrestrials in an attempt to communicate with humans. Some believe they are created by plasma vortexes. Skeptics argue that all crop circles are created by pranksters, pointing to numerous hoaxes and the absurdity of idea that intelligent creatures choose to communicate through agricultural vandalism. A very small percentage of people believe that they are created by hideous mole men for their monstrous religious rituals. This turns out to be the correct theory.



Dear Apelord,

I am a single female, born December 14, 1976. I'm searching for my soulmate... Can you tell me what starsigns are most compatible for me? What astrological factors will the man of my dreams have?

Kerry Beaufort

Dearest Kerry,

I have consulted my most comprehensive and complex star charts in an attempt to divine the answer to your question. After extensive consultation with all of the myriad tools of my most enlightened trade, the answer most assuredly is: "Reply hazy, try again."

I must encourage you to concentrate and re-submit your question, since according to the charts, I had better not tell you now.

Cosmically yours,


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